I wasn't able to see my sister Amy get married last Fall because shit was hitting the fan in my life. Seeing my sister this weekend, at Mollie Jo's wedding, with her spouse was wonderful- especially since she and her husband seem very contented. I feel Amy's happiness is very deserved. She's lived a focused and organized life, and she really does treat people the way she would want to be treated. She can be sarcastic and hilarious too- but she's very tuned into what she finds herself accountable for- what I mean is that she thinks ahead enough that she's willing to plan for her own happiness, and she's quite successful at doing so. She's the baby of our family, yet was the first to graduate college, first to buy a home, and the first to marry. She's only about to turn 24. I also feel a special bond with her because she really understands style.

As Mollie's wedding approached, I wondered in general, how I would be able to function with everyone in my family particularly Amy and Lisa. It occurred to me that I hadn't considered the fact that Amy might have been upset with me for having to miss her wedding. After watching her this weekend especially how she interacts with her husband, I realized how sorry I am that I didn't get to see their vows and share that day with them. I'm really proud of her and her ability to be happy and find someone who obviously makes her flower more gloriously than she did alone. I think I've concluded that I can be close to Amy once more, in spite of her living a state away. Eventually things will need to be said- I sort of want to apologize to her to express these feelings of regret that I'm just aware of now, regardless of whether it's necessary. I hope she feels that my attendance at her wedding was simply stolen from her, rather than her blaming me for not being there, but regardless of that I am happy that she's my sister, and I feel like she looks at me as if I am her sister. There is still a whole piece there.

"..the terrible thing is that there is so much good, and gradually it slips away from you. I had not believed until last summer that loss is determined, charted in us from the start, as inevitable and fixed as blood type and eye color."
-Jane Hamilton A Map of the World