right out of my ass, as predicted.
2003-10-29 @ 5:01 p.m.
I was informed today that one of my dearest friends is "pretty damn sure she's in love" and that the thought had just occurred to her in the past 24 hours. She said she was reacting to the idea differently than she had expected to.
I remember once, many years ago when I was falling in love with Sal , and it scared me. It scared me a lot. Love in general can be scary, but it's especially so when you are in love with someone that you're positive that you have absolutely no control over whatsoever. I mean, really no one has any control over anyone else, but I bet you know what I mean. There's love that when it occurs to you you think "wow that was an entirely pleasant breeze washing over me, reviving and pleasing me profusely" and then there's the love that when realized is a lot like waking up suddenly, bathed in sweat, only to realize that you are about to sled down a hill, hurtling down at speeds dangerous to man and beast filled with the knowledge that you ain't gotcha no brakes. There's that.
The cool thing is if you realize that's what your in for, and you accept that you have no control of your speed, recklessness, nor lack of seatbelts- that it's sort of a relief. Once you say "Here I am and I have no control" you can sort of stop obsessing and try to enjoy yourself. I mean you can always shut your eyes if you must.
P.S.- Crisis averted. I was right after all, and I found unseen resources. I had to look, but apparently the down and out resource library in my ass, has itself a secret annex. Because, sure enough- once again I have made resolve out of thin fucking air. It's all the asking, all the asking in life that's scary and disappointing. Maybe that's why jumping on the available sled is exhilarating, because you just do it, you don't ask first.
Please, though- I hope I don't have to ask for anything more for a while.