are you ready for my big BUT?
2003-11-11 @ 4:51 p.m.
I am used to seeing something I want, and then trying to get it myself. I am good with interviews. I am good with auditions. I am better than the everyday. I can show you that you in fact want me for ______. It has worked for years. See something I want, and pursue. It was natural after going to all girls' high school. Want to go to a dance? Well, silly no boys go to your school. Ask someone. It never seemed to illogical to me. I am great at making the necessary overtures to companionship. I can be casual, I can be off hand, I can show interest and availability.
All this forwardness, has led me to a place where I have only ever been asked out unexpectedly, by persons who took me by suprise a total of like twice. And now I have a meeting with a guy that I was presented to through friends. They gave him my e-mail and we've been doing that. Chatting, if you will. And it's been really cool. And now we're going to meet. And I hope it'll be really cool. But I don't know. This has never happened before. New things are good, of course. I trust my instincts for the friends I've met in chat rooms or message boards and then met later on in "real life" (as they say). But that hasn't ever been a chemistry issue.
One of the big questions is how much will immediate physical chemistry matter to me? I like this guy's brain as he's presented it to me very much. We're very alike, which will be new and interesting to me. I am a veteran of opposite relationships- where I am the ying to a yang or a moon to their sun. I am excited about that being different in meeting Sir Setup. But I haven't ever "coffee'd" with someone I haven't had an occurrance with first. So there's question one.
Question two is both flippant and deep. (and that makes total sense to me if not to you) Can I let someone else take the lead after all? I am, on one hand the hostess with the mostess, the deferrer, the "haveyougoteverythingyouneed?"girl. I am a pleaser, a putterofothersfirst, some might say a pushover. You know the line- "after you, sir...".
..BUT.(insert joke from header right here...)
I have secretly always been in charge of where I'm going. I have always known that I guide the ride even if I ain't drivin. Even somehow when I am taking the backseat! I can't explain it. It's as if the initial choice drives the whole trip. Can I try something new? Do I want to try- me me me me? Because I'm pretty sure it's an option.
What I've always been looking for is someone who would unconsciously know what I really want. Because, ideally, it's what they want. I want everyday to have someone offer me my favorite thing unbeknownst to them. I would also love being offered something new because unbeknownst to me, it will be my favorite too.
I am not high maintenance. This is only my inner dialogue.
And I KNOW it's only coffee and a walk.