You know what? All these arrangements to do stuff, all these arrangements I must make in order to be a person are a pain in my ass. Especially since I don�t even know why I am going on a fucking date in the first place, to be perfectly honest. I have too messy a life to be thinking about what everyone�s intentions are and keeping mine clear too. I am not pining around wishing for someone to kiss me, or feeling lonely. I just want a social life; I don�t know that I even want a date! I am a little grouchy about the whole arrangements thing, and this is when the arrangements are going well. I do realize that this is because my trust level is less than zero. I�d rather rely on other resources than simply my dumb luck. Because in spite of all the endless resources in the Library of LAP�s ass, none of them have any control over any other people.

What I really just want is more people to hang around with. I want thisendupand legalbeagle to be cloned so I can still hang around with them when one is out of town, or the other should be studying or being a good wife. I just want more people to talk to significantly, more time to do that, and people to carouse with.

That certainly doesn�t exclude the gentleman, but it brings up issues with the whole paying for dinner thing. Let me make things clear- I like having my dinner purchased. I also like purchasing dinner for others, and purchasing dinner for myself. Am I worried about feeling beholden? Yes, I might be. I think it�s just the formality of his questions. He might be mentally checking things off some list of compatibility for life partners that he has memorized. If so, I don�t blame him for that.

But here�s something that I know, for sure about myself. I am not afraid of being un-mated. I have no fear of being alone. I�m not afraid of living without a partner, because I finally realized that I�ve never had one. It is much much worse to be living life hoping that someone can become something, that they aren�t capable of becoming.

I keep wondering what I am looking for, and I believe that all I really want for now is more friends to spend time with. Of everything I have learned, the one mistake I am trying hardest not to make is to stop reaching out to people. Because, sure- people disappoint you, but others don�t. The nice thing about Diaryland is that you find all these people to support your theory. People supporting your theory makes you strong enough to want to have people support your reality. I�m looking for some community. And by community I don�t just mean �A group of people having common interests� as much as �Sharing, participation, and fellowship."