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what's up with that?
2003-11-21 @ 10:18 a.m.

I went out for dinner. It was nice. It was worth the hassle.

The conversation was thick. That was fun. Eating at a trendy restaurant was fun. Going out in general was fun.

Here's something weird- The gentleman pointed out that I am "kind of flirty" and reassured me that he wasn't a jealous type. After he made the comment, I realized that he didn't mean he felt I was "flirty" with him. He thought I was being "flirty" with the waiter. He noticed it was different than I was interacting with him. He also made a point of saying "he's not the jealous type"..

I said it must be just unconsciously in the way I act towards people I am asking for things from... This is the second reference the gentleman has made towards jealousy in regard to his inability to feel it. Hmm.

Here's what one genuis girlfriend commented about it.

"You are flirty. Rock on with your bad self. Thatís how you handle short term interaction. Iím surprised that he even pointed that out to you. Not because itís a bad thing but it shows how self-conscious he is. Whenever someone points out to me that they are not the jealous type it makes me worried. I donít trust when people emphatically tell me that they are not something. It makes my butt twitch."

That's sort of my reaction too. What do you guys think? My other reaction is that I usually feel sparks by the time I have talked this much to someone. So far, I am only enjoying myself. That's not bad. But different.

On the side led by chemistry, I went to buy Love & Rockets #9 at the comic shop yesterday, and had pointed interaction #3 with the other fella. I also gave him a ride home from the shop Sunday since it was closing. I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite Sunday, and he seemed somewhat deflated to have to tell me he had just ate. I might be imagining the deflation. After exiting my car he smacked my passenger side window in a further goodbye salute. My foolish mind likens the window slap to "additional friendly contact". It may have just been an expression of awkwardness, but I find that also, a good sign. I am very aware of his physicality, but not in a manner that makes me act less than cool.

Also, when I was frustrated on Wednesday -not knowing my plans, or if they were commencing, I called the comic shop to find out if I could at least buy the new Love and Rockets comic yet. Okay, I probably just called to talk to the fella. I asked if he would stand in front of the shop to save that parking space for me. He said "He would if he was going to be there." That was cute, and although he didn't say "wait until tomorrow to buy your comic" I could project. Of course, that's against the rules of reality. I am delusional enough without pretending boys are secreting meaning things within the words they actually say. I found it strange that when I heard his voice, I swear I could smell his scent. He smells good in a masculine Aveda way.

The fella seems to be getting sick, and therefore wasn't going out last night- and I'm not sure if I will make any more overtures. I will need additional encouragement deposits before I consider making anymore withdrawals from my bank of overtures. I will wait for opportunity to present itself rather than creating opportunity. I'm officially "hands off" in my operational status for this week at least. He did make one comment that intrigued me as several warning bells went off. Wanna hear it? Here it goes-

When I accused him of being nice and careful of peoples' intentions (in regard to artist's styles that clearly borrow from others influence)he just laughed and said;

"It's actually that I don't care at all. I'm dead inside."

Why do I find that compelling? Isn't it simply pretentious? And am I intrigued because of the dreaded "fix you factor"? Those thoughts were some of the bells. My most honest response to it was a smart laugh. Why did I laugh? Because he's lying. He's only playing dead. Of course, I want to know why. AND THAT IS SICK AND WRONG.

I know all about a hard shell, although I've tried to leave mine behind repeatedly. I know it does no good to coax and beg. He can come out himself or not. Either way, I have the fella's number. I already know everything, and I bet it's not even interesting. It's probably not even interesting and the whole stance is kind of effete and pretentious.

But I don't know that for sure.

What I know for sure, is: dead things don't smell that good.


Apparently I can't shut up...
hearts aflutter - 2011-04-12
blather over lunch - 2010-04-30
revival - 2010-04-18
foot dragger - 2009-08-21
The bangs of a Stooge - 2009-08-20

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