2003-11-23 @ 9:59 a.m.
It snowed a lot here last night. A lot. This is actually pretty routine, albeit incredibly inconvenient. It took twice as long (at least!) to get to work this morning, with the added time to warm up the car, clear off the blanket of snow, and drive very very slowly on the city streets that haven’t been cleared. It’s all a little perilous. And not generally appreciated by me, since my season in hell included a prelude that included several car accidents.
Here are some helpful links to the overtures for the season in hell.
Basically, I felt that in spite of my effort to remove myself from a terribly unhappy and drug addicted man- that the universe was warning me that I had been set up to crash and burn. Because no one got hurt in either accident. Not me, not the girls, no other vehicles were involved (other than the jackass whose radiator hose blew and caused the first accident) and we were humbled by surprise and grateful to be alive. The second accident was caused by adverse conditions and turning into a situation without adequate reaction time. What I was left with was the sense that I had no control. At all.
The accidents seemed to be saying these things to me. Like Cassandra they wailed their interpretations hoping someone would listen.
“If you leave, even if it’s slowly-without trying to arouse suspicion, you will trip and you’ll be lucky if it doesn’t kill you all.”
“You can never outrun your past mistakes. Once you’ve made the right decision, the past will still revisit you and make your daily path like a meadow full of landmines. Even if the the mine was detected and removed, there still will be a hole there so you can trip and fall.”
My natural reaction was of course, to not move at all. Anyone would just stay down, right?
Here’s where you might expect me to impart a little homey mommylap wisdom. I was thinking that I had some, as a result of sliding forward instead of turning, but I realize that this is still all I know..
Stuff sure can happen to a person in one lifetime. I am pretty sure that events are just things that occur. I don’t think they are ever a commentary on the life.
Because you can be as cautious as can be. It might not matter. Some say that you have to accept you cannot control everything. I suggest, sometimes- you cannot control anything. Sometimes, all you get is that you hit the median with your good front tire, and there isn’t a flat. You get to keep on going instead. Sometimes you do avoid catastrophe. It’s just to be happy when you manage not to fall.
I know that I am smart and strong and that’s why I have endured. But I refuse to look at my life from the vantage point that I was a different person back then and now I am better and that will somehow protect me. All I can hope for is that there is balance in the universe, and that my disaster quotient has been filled for a little while longer. That I am due for some happiness, stability and maybe a little luck. There might still be a dark cloud above me, but at least it keeps me from seeing all the shadows. The best I can do is keep looking ahead and keep moving forward, and when I feel unsure reach for the hand that might be there anyway. I promise myself to reach out for a hand, even when I don’t want to pull anyone down with me.
There’s nothing like a little slide to reassess your whole journey thus far, huh?