I resolve to suck
2004-01-16 @ 10:14 a.m.
A genuis friend of mine made the observation that "Lately I have sensed that you are going through some kind of change. Though I can definitely sense this I would have trouble nailing down exactly why I feel this way. It might be that you seemed tired with the way things are."
That's pretty fucking dead on. Except for overlooking the idea that I could find someone who has me in sights with that kind of accuracy "tedious" ?
Now that I have made my 90 days "satisfactory", I am left wondering where I go next. I am tired of the way things are- and it's up to me to change them. I need to be so much better- handling my debt, throwing out my trash, parenting my children instead of falling into a role of "handler". I need to make my life change, or it will remain unfufilling. I sort of believe the key to fun is fundamentals, and I've spent too much time racing up life's stairway two at a time. The problem there is the eventual stumble and fall.
I want to remember who and all that I am, get back to loving that girl as much as I used to- back to the 13 year old who stared into the mirror in her room and realized. "I'm really bright. I'm funny, and I'm pretty too. Everything there is in life is just waiting for me to pluck it." I think the first step is getting back to that purity of revelation and belief. Can I believe in myself again like a 13 year old believes? I have high hopes there. If I can take the time to see that girl's eyes in the eyes of this woman, I am sure I can.
Then there's the rest that requires more than mere belief.
There's the patience (that I have on endless reserve), there's the passion (just sleeping now), and most importantly there's the focus that I know I can muster. I feel like for weeks I have been aware of my need for focus, and lacking the insight to see what it is that I should be focusing on.
Cause it's not my stats. (I work in a call center and your stats are a reflection of what you spend your time doing-taking calls, waiting for calls, deliberately keeping calls from coming to you while you read diaries..) But at the same time, I should be able to have perfect stats. If I can't resist distraction with this, how can I trust myself not to resist distraction with something more important to me. I feel like it's a challenge I have to rise to. I have been telling myself during these days I took that I must prove that I can just do the job someone hired me for, and do it perfectly. For a week, at least. No diaries. Less e-mails. I've been gearing up for it. It means focusing on something incredibly mundane. But sometimes perfecting simplicity is really impowering! It'll be my experiement for next week. I'm going to try to approach it like a way to meditate.
But that means that I am only going to play during lunch and recess. I am going to try to stop passing notes. That's no fun, and I feel lousy calling off the game.
But I feel lousier in this groove I am in. This is the first step out of that box. I'm tired of waiting for what's next, and instead of creating drama to make life more interesting, I am going to try to make myself so focused that I draw the next thing to me. I am going to just focus in more. At least until my inward focus starts acting like a tractor beam.
If life is going to suck- I want it to suck up something worth tasting.