Project1
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and there's shuffleboard on the libido deck
2004-03-05 @ 11:05 a.m.

li�bi�do

The psychic and emotional energy associated with instinctual biological drives

From therarus.com

Entry: desire

Function: noun

Definition: want

Synonyms: admiration, ambition, appetite, ardor, aspiration, attraction, avidity, concupiscence, covetousness, craving, craze, cupidity, devotion, doting, eagerness, fancy, fascination, fervor, fondness, frenzy, greed, hankering, hunger, inclination, infatuation, itch, lasciviousness, lechery, libido, liking, longing, love, lust, mania, motive, need, passion, predilection, proclivity, propensity, rapaciousness, rapture, ravenousness, relish, salacity, solicitude, thirst, urge, voracity, will, wish, yearning

Antonyms: aversion, disgust, dislike, distaste, hate, repulsion, revulsion

Concept: desire

I haven�t had any to speak of for months. Specifically no sexual thoughts had visited me since comic guy pronounced to me he was �dead inside�. Initially, I found that intriguing. For about 2 seconds. In reality, my interest went bye-bye. Hooray for that. Hooray for real life taking up your time, because goodness knows there was a time, where I would�ve made it my mission to find the cancer growing in the boy who shares a name with an angel but is dead inside and pulling it out with my teeth. I am happy to announce that I just don�t have either the time or the focus to devote to projects like that anymore.

LAP�s head: �I don�t know, I just don�t have time for you anymore. We�ve lost our connection.
Brick wall: I guess it was bound to happen someday- best of luck to you.

Trust me, I am usually a girl with an itch. I once told my mother �I had to have sex�. And I was just talking about in general. Like I couldn�t go without it. Luckily, it was in the context of going from long-term relationship to long-term relationship, so I am pretty sure that my mother�s head wasn�t filled with images of me on a street corner.

Years spent having as much sex as I wanted with a person that disappointed me in nearly every other aspect of being perhaps cured me. The lack of energy synonymous with motherhood perhaps cured me. Depression never affected my desire in the past, so I didn�t equate my lack of interest in depression. It was more likely a result of my fierce need to avoid disappointment. Because, no prospects, no scouting for players, no field of play makes for no opportunity for that kind of thing.

That hasn�t changed of course. I did just have an exchange with someone who�s brain I find enormously engaging and so no matter what I intended to discuss with him originally, we end up flirting. Of course, he lives in Montana in utter isolation so whatever interest is created might be futile. I�m not big on futile.

But there�s something else going on too, because at eep�s school, in her class of all places there is a new �teacher� (not a teacher, but an assistant who is also working with daycare) who keeps creeping into my brain. I volunteer with the 1st grade sometimes on Fridays, and I met him then. He really makes a point to talk to me. Of course, he tells me about my kid, but maybe I am that starved for a conversation initiated by some guy. I mean, there was no �oh wow� meeting of first sight thing for me there, more of a creeping into my consciousness thing. So maybe I am noticing him because he is noticing me. Or not. I wasn�t noticing anything about anybody before that way.

So maybe my radar is suddenly on somehow. Maybe Professor Montana did that, or maybe not. Maybe it�s littlebub and her constant pursuit for adventure that is inspiring this, or maybe it�s just Spring is Here, in spite of the fresh snow that fell last night. I don�t know.

I can�t deny I need any motivator I can get. Sex has always been a great motivator. Maybe I can shed this cocoon that I haven�t managed to completely kick free since I gave birth nearly a year ago. Maybe the time has come for me to strut and these glimmers are telling me to prepare myself. Maybe it�s time to plan the launch of some mommylap product.

Here�s a little giggle for you all. In my mind- I picture myself as one of the girls from Fusion on All My Children. I think of myself as Greenlee or Simone all the time. Just in that unrealistic soap opera way. They are the Barbies that play me in the exploits of my head. But in that confession is something important. Those girls share my spirit in many ways. I need to start wearing that spirit on my sleeve. I need to do whatever it takes to project my inner kickass confidence. Because, trust me, I think well of myself. And there�s someone out there somewhere that is just waiting for me. I�m not going to be the one finding all the hidden treasures and investing in their refurbishment this time. This time I get to play the diamond in the rough.


Apparently I can't shut up...
hearts aflutter - 2011-04-12
blather over lunch - 2010-04-30
revival - 2010-04-18
foot dragger - 2009-08-21
The bangs of a Stooge - 2009-08-20

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