and there's shuffleboard on the libido deck
2004-03-05 @ 11:05 a.m.
The psychic and emotional energy associated with instinctual biological drives
Synonyms: admiration, ambition, appetite, ardor, aspiration, attraction, avidity, concupiscence, covetousness, craving, craze, cupidity, devotion, doting, eagerness, fancy, fascination, fervor, fondness, frenzy, greed, hankering, hunger, inclination, infatuation, itch, lasciviousness, lechery, libido, liking, longing, love, lust, mania, motive, need, passion, predilection, proclivity, propensity, rapaciousness, rapture, ravenousness, relish, salacity, solicitude, thirst, urge, voracity, will, wish, yearning
Antonyms: aversion, disgust, dislike, distaste, hate, repulsion, revulsion
I havenít had any to speak of for months. Specifically no sexual thoughts had visited me since comic guy pronounced to me he was ďdead insideĒ. Initially, I found that intriguing. For about 2 seconds. In reality, my interest went bye-bye. Hooray for that. Hooray for real life taking up your time, because goodness knows there was a time, where I wouldíve made it my mission to find the cancer growing in the boy who shares a name with an angel but is dead inside and pulling it out with my teeth. I am happy to announce that I just donít have either the time or the focus to devote to projects like that anymore.
LAPís head: ďI donít know, I just donít have time for you anymore. Weíve lost our connection.
Brick wall: I guess it was bound to happen someday- best of luck to you.
Trust me, I am usually a girl with an itch. I once told my mother ďI had to have sexĒ. And I was just talking about in general. Like I couldnít go without it. Luckily, it was in the context of going from long-term relationship to long-term relationship, so I am pretty sure that my motherís head wasnít filled with images of me on a street corner.
Years spent having as much sex as I wanted with a person that disappointed me in nearly every other aspect of being perhaps cured me. The lack of energy synonymous with motherhood perhaps cured me. Depression never affected my desire in the past, so I didnít equate my lack of interest in depression. It was more likely a result of my fierce need to avoid disappointment. Because, no prospects, no scouting for players, no field of play makes for no opportunity for that kind of thing.
That hasnít changed of course. I did just have an exchange with someone whoís brain I find enormously engaging and so no matter what I intended to discuss with him originally, we end up flirting. Of course, he lives in Montana in utter isolation so whatever interest is created might be futile. Iím not big on futile.
But thereís something else going on too, because at eepís school, in her class of all places there is a new ďteacherĒ (not a teacher, but an assistant who is also working with daycare) who keeps creeping into my brain. I volunteer with the 1st grade sometimes on Fridays, and I met him then. He really makes a point to talk to me. Of course, he tells me about my kid, but maybe I am that starved for a conversation initiated by some guy. I mean, there was no ďoh wowĒ meeting of first sight thing for me there, more of a creeping into my consciousness thing. So maybe I am noticing him because he is noticing me. Or not. I wasnít noticing anything about anybody before that way.
So maybe my radar is suddenly on somehow. Maybe Professor Montana did that, or maybe not. Maybe itís littlebub and her constant pursuit for adventure that is inspiring this, or maybe itís just Spring is Here, in spite of the fresh snow that fell last night. I donít know.
I canít deny I need any motivator I can get. Sex has always been a great motivator. Maybe I can shed this cocoon that I havenít managed to completely kick free since I gave birth nearly a year ago. Maybe the time has come for me to strut and these glimmers are telling me to prepare myself. Maybe itís time to plan the launch of some mommylap product.
Hereís a little giggle for you all. In my mind- I picture myself as one of the girls from Fusion on All My Children. I think of myself as Greenlee or Simone all the time. Just in that unrealistic soap opera way. They are the Barbies that play me in the exploits of my head. But in that confession is something important. Those girls share my spirit in many ways. I need to start wearing that spirit on my sleeve. I need to do whatever it takes to project my inner kickass confidence. Because, trust me, I think well of myself. And thereís someone out there somewhere that is just waiting for me. Iím not going to be the one finding all the hidden treasures and investing in their refurbishment this time. This time I get to play the diamond in the rough.