If I had an anchor, I bet I'd trip on it
2004-03-23 @ 3:53 p.m.
I identified with David on the Real World team last night. His lazy ass in that chair? I am that way. Not in that situation- I wouldn�t be a lazy ass about that mission or anything that was like a show up and gear up type of deal. But my spirit is in that chair barely raising her head.
I am just paralyzed in regard to being able to better the quality of my life. Not virtually paralyzed- forgive me. I am paralyzed in this capacity. I can only go on as I have been and hope to at least perpetuate life at its current quality.
The upside is that I don�t blame anyone for the things that are wrong in my life. I don�t consider it anyone�s responsibility to fix things but myself�I try to only ask for help if it�s necessary- but more importantly I avoid making choices that are going to create that need to ask for help. It�s been over a year since I called anyone saying ;�Oh my god what am I gonna do?� I don�t even say that to you guys. I say that inside my head sometimes and the girl in there, she�s real smart. She just shrugs and figures it�ll either work out, or it won�t.
My family apparently keeps imagining the things that might make things easier in my life. They imagine that if I repeatedly mention to Sal that I need the child support he isn�t paying that something might change. Sal imagines that if he keeps asking me �what�s new?� that he might hear a response other than �Nothing� and I suppose he also might imagine that if I did have something (or someone) new in my life that I would actually inform him. I assume he�s asking hoping that I will say �I did a little tweaking on the budget and you know, I guess the girls don�t need child support after all.�
My mother, in particular, imagines that somewhere there might be low income housing that I am eligible for that simultaneously has openings, and I can move into someplace nicer, cheaper, and nearer to them. I am pretty sure the only opportunity to make the move my mother is imagining is within my mother�s head and as nicely decorated as the space is, I�m not sure that she allows cats or children.
Even though my life has changed a lot since the last time I was in a panic and uttered the ol� �What am I gonna do?� my parents decided on that one, that what THEY would do, was shut the door.
I�ve never verified with them if they actually were aware that I was in my first trimester of pregnancy at that time, but I assumed they did not. As I have reflected on it since we resumed our relationship, 50% of me thinks they very well might have known.
The goals behind their decision were for me to address my depression, (never really happened, I just stopped any contemplation of abortion, knowing the administration of it was more than I could handle alone) and they hoped that Sal might wake up and take financial responsibility for his children. (yeah. Didn�t happen then. Hasn�t happened yet. I have Tinker bell on the line, and Peter�s evidentially too busy to rescue Princess Tiger Lily. )
Currently I am stable. By stable I mean �resistant to change of condition�, but I am also full of horseshit, so really either definition applies. In saying �stable� I am trying to find a nice way of saying I am stuck, without strength or resources to upgrade, but not weakened enough by this realization to have fallen down yet.
I feel all kinds of tiny invisible lines of support from you guys every day. Like I am the Mommylap balloon in the Macy�s Thanksgiving Parade, and you are all my anchors.
After everything that�s occurred between myself and my parents I�d guess that -in my parade scenario, they�d be the weather. I wouldn�t think of asking for specific weather. I just take what I get and am happy for the sunny days.