2004-05-19 @ 12:51 p.m.
First of all, letís just say that in spite of stress and business thatís normally associated with a productive life I am feeling pretty great these days.
Well being is at an all-time high for a period where it cannot be associated with some kind of temporary wind-fall of money or some kind of delusional promise made by Sal .
Hereís why I started my journal at diaryland.
1) To become comfortable talking about the adoption.
Because at first, not talking about it seemed like I was HIDING A TERRIBLE SECRET!! And being that was not only false, but not even the way I felt about it, I wanted to find my comfort zone. Because part of me wondered (and still does) why I didnít want to discuss it incessantly, even though clearly information like that not only isnít anybodyís business, but also could make people feel very awkward when presented in a revealing way. I mean in an ALL IS REVEALED As The World Turns way. And so there were several people who I had fallen dramatically out of touch with (okay- I had fallen dramatically out of touch with everyone actually) that I didnít have to burst out with some revelation to because they were reading my diary.
Using the diary to feel normal about talking about hard issues really worked for me, because now- less than a year since I started at diary land, I can talk about the fact that I had a baby that I gave up for adoption in a tone that must work- because not one person expresses any pity for me in a situation that I have spoken about my past. Thatís a good thing. Plus, talking about the past with new friends and acquaintances in appropriate situations has really felt good- it makes me realize more and more that my feelings about the adoption arenít delusional at all, this IS really the way I feel, because I am not squelching back tears or filled with dread all the time about it. And there is no confidence like the confidence of knowing that youíve made the right choice without question or hesitation. I mean serious empowerment. I know it doesnít come often, but itís an amazing thing to have in your drawer of tricks, especially when itís shoved in back and you forget that itís there. When you are moving out of your comfort zone, and meeting a new challenge itís kind of good to remind yourself ďuh yeah- I can apparently live through anything without considering it a sacrificeĒ
2) To keep myself from cutting off communication and becoming grotesquely isolated again.
Because everyone knows that the more you talk, the more you talk- right? So far, so good.
So much better than any combination of drinking or therapy guysÖ
But with the combination of being in training M-F and the joblab where I have computer access changing their hours in the most vexing fashion I am experiencing inspiration blockage.
Every time I start an entry, by the time Iíve reached its logical end, I am all ready to go on one or several theme detours. This makes the editor in me not so happy.
Just guess what the first child support checks are going for? Donít be like that; I am using all my own money to actually support the children. The children would love a new computer at home.
To look at. And never touch. Unless they please me.
Thatís the plan for the blockage removal. Computer enema.