My closest friend has been kind of awol lately. She was out of town for work, and now she is worked a completely opposite schedule from myself. It�s summer, her busy season, and I can totally deal.

But I miss her, and I send e-mails knowing we aren�t really here at the same time, and I leave her voice mail asking her to call before the weekend because I want to touch base (or hang out) and she doesn�t have a phone so I can conveniently poke at her whenever I might want. It doesn�t really matter because unless her boyfriend has other plans she only wants to be around him anyway. I support that, but it bites.

I wanted to talk to her Friday, honestly because I felt needed some feedback, and I needed some resolve. I worry that I isolate myself even when that is not my intention- my family is really unavailable during the summer, and honestly they are a great resource for activities and stuff, but with everything in our past certainly the parent portion of my family is not who I turn to for advice or anything. I know they expect me to make the right decisions and actions all on my own. I expect that of myself too, frankly, and I certainly try.

So it�s the weekends when I get isolated, because I have no computer at home and I feel sometimes that I get a little lost in mommyland those days. Mommyland lately, surprisingly has actually been linked to Daddyland.

I am only on the a-list of someone who really needs to be avoided. *

Even if Sal is changing, even if his intentions are not to fuck me up, I don�t trust what fate might have in store whenever he�s involved. I can�t be fooled into thinking he somehow has discovered how to be a friend to me, just because his actions are friendly. I don�t want to think about him, or help him because I will be punished. If not actually by Sal , by karma.

Life is a 5-year-old boy and I am the hot wheel car he likes to crash the most. He sets up the tracks in a way that inevitably leads to collision. It seems like the car that he most likes to send at me is Sal .

I know I set up an escape ramp already, before Sal even came out of the garage this time. I can�t see my exit, but I know I wasn�t dreaming- that I set up that ramp myself and it is there. I won�t let the fucking traction pull me in and make me miss it. I keep promising myself that I won�t.

* Listen I know that this is actually not the case- I feel that I am on the a-list of anyone that�s reading this, and you guys have to know how valuable that makes me feel every day.