2004-11-11 @ 12:42 p.m.
I was wrong, Iím not fired.
I thought it might have been a surprise termination due to absences, because I was absent last week (but I also had absences from last year roll off and not count anymore) and normally I would know that I would have found out right away if it was a case of termination. But sometimes in a big company stuff gets handed down and thereís no warning. I totally trust my supervisor, and know that he wouldnít have been happy to lose me- and thatís why I e-mailed him quite abruptly saying ďif Iíll going to be termed today can you tell me now? I feel like an axe is over my head..Ē
He was really shocked to find out I would even think I was going to be fired today.
Iím very happy I am not being fired today, but the fight or flight feeling (really in my case itís flight or flight) really brought home to me once and for all the level to which I believe deep down that I am doomed. I mean, I am really good at feeling hopeful and moving forward in the face of adversity, but I just have no level of trust that I am anything but doomed.
Once I am on my knees with my hands behind my back- I am too willing to lay my head on that chopping block.
I think this reaction is understandable, considering how much my trust has been breached in my lifetime, but this reaction is also completely unsuitable to everything about me. I am too delusional to be so resigned to my eventual doom.
All the retarded belief and happy hope I have for everyone elseís life should be applied to my own.
From now on. Itís the penthouse baby! Nothing but roses!
(it couldnít hurt)
PS- Thanks so much for the onrush of comments and support. I heart you guys like I heart tootsie roll flavored lip balm.