crisis imagined
2004-11-11 @ 12:42 p.m.
I was wrong, I�m not fired.
I thought it might have been a surprise termination due to absences, because I was absent last week (but I also had absences from last year roll off and not count anymore) and normally I would know that I would have found out right away if it was a case of termination. But sometimes in a big company stuff gets handed down and there�s no warning. I totally trust my supervisor, and know that he wouldn�t have been happy to lose me- and that�s why I e-mailed him quite abruptly saying �if I�ll going to be termed today can you tell me now? I feel like an axe is over my head..�
He was really shocked to find out I would even think I was going to be fired today.
I�m very happy I am not being fired today, but the fight or flight feeling (really in my case it�s flight or flight) really brought home to me once and for all the level to which I believe deep down that I am doomed. I mean, I am really good at feeling hopeful and moving forward in the face of adversity, but I just have no level of trust that I am anything but doomed.
Once I am on my knees with my hands behind my back- I am too willing to lay my head on that chopping block.
I think this reaction is understandable, considering how much my trust has been breached in my lifetime, but this reaction is also completely unsuitable to everything about me. I am too delusional to be so resigned to my eventual doom.
All the retarded belief and happy hope I have for everyone else�s life should be applied to my own.
From now on. It�s the penthouse baby! Nothing but roses!
(it couldn�t hurt)
PS- Thanks so much for the onrush of comments and support. I heart you guys like I heart tootsie roll flavored lip balm.