2008-01-31 @ 9:15 a.m.
So I have this issue, that I am very aware of, that I only really am every interested in unavailable or inappropriate guys. I like inappropriate guys without trying- but luckily recognize their inappropriateness and refrain from action because I'm all about no action, me and Elvis Costello. I've pretty much had it with dealing with the inappropriate ones for a lifetime, but apparently no one told my id.
I prefer the unavailable guys, because in that case I have a little crush that I will never follow up on being that I know they aren't available, and I can get that cool cute feeling occasionally without any fear that someone is going to want too much of my time, or attention or whatever. Because I don't really have any extra attention, at least usually, when I have a job I don't. It occurs to me that the last time I tried to play the dating/falling in love game that I wasn't employed either, and found that my patience for dating and relationships came to an end right at the same time I had a full-time job, two kids and a deadbeat ex to deal with.
So anyway, since I am clearly still looking for work, I have this deficit of things to invest my time in apparently, because this guy I know on myspace keeps flirting and flirting and the thing about myspace is that it's like a platform for undesirable attention, even from people you don't necessarily dislike. Why didn't I just ignore his messages? Because I can't apparently. I get a notification of a message etc on myspace and I go right there to read it. Sigh. I guess I can just turn off the notify thing and solve my problem since I will forget to go to myspace unless Diablo writes a new blog.
But anyway, I finally decided I'd have a lunch or cup of coffee with my friend to shut him up. I guess I really thought if he'd just see me in person under daylight he'd realize he wasn't interested and it might stop. This is a guy that I've known incidentally for years, and could talk just about mutual friends for hours so I knew it was entirely safe blah blah. So he came and got me and we spent a few hours driving to the house of another mutual reclusive friend , and during the drive it was nice sort of to have that focused amount of attention, and adoration sort of, except that I don't dig that kind of thing at all. I wouldn't have been able to stand it at all had there not been a big intermission from the focus being on me when we visited Curt who is a guy who has the attention automatically on him.
I'm totally terrified of physical intimacy after approximately 7 years of being with only the daddyman, and 4 years of being with no one. And I was very frank with the inappropriate one (he's inappropriate in that he's not only another musician, but another drummer, and although he's undeniably a nice guy, he's still a supposed adult male who doesn't own a house, and probably still smokes pot every single day) I was frank about my fear and some of my baggage. He was relentless in the "we'd be so fun, we'd have so much fun" and I said "hey cut it out" and sort of shoved him away using the power of my mind to let him know I needed air with a LOT more oxygen and a lot less testosterone, and he said "call me call me call me" so I then said (sort of figuratively and kind of literally) "hey cut it out" and then sort of punched him in the arm hard and he said "Ourfriend wanted to call you. (gave me ourfriend's number) I lost your number. I don't want a girlfriend" and I thought "hahaha big baby you just said the wrong thing and I get out of jail free now"
Because what does he think I want, a good time?
And even if I did want a good time, my idea of said good time is finding vintage furniture for a bargain price.
So after that little myspace message, he sent me another- as if the previous one would be reassuring, or something, asking if I'd contacted our friend. I didn't answer it. Several hours later, when he saw me signed in he sent the identical message again. Which makes me figure he doesn't even remember if he sent the first one or not, OR that he's now become completely eager and unattractive. So that's it for me. Other than the queasy feeling I will have to actually shoot Old Yeller. (But not really because Old Yeller is a band in Mpls that I really, really like and would never, ever shoot).
Sorry for the rambling, because I was going to actually quote the emails, but myspace isn't allowing access to my new photo comment or my inbox or anything, because that place is just.that.stupid. But even though I will update, I have to say that I already know it's going to come to something just about as agonizing as me actually having to say GO AWAY.