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punch line
2003-09-22 @ 9:32 a.m.

So FRIDAY the story continues. (as it is like to do) After having a pretty terrific day (seeing my sister Amy and my mom, using my dad's scanner to make cool-ass t-shirts for eep from pictures she drew herself, my mom buying the girls new shoes..) I was at home figuring out my last free hours before picking the girls up from school and I got some news.

but i'm busy trying to come up with a plan. as bad is that is, ... planning behind someone's back to leave them. but i'm also like, wha? shouldn't he realize? i keep thinking deep down, he really wants me to leave. at least no one would tell him what to do. Sal and KGB took another trip last week besides the trip through drama and stupidity. They branched out. They flew to Las Vegas. A drum roll please-

They got married.

My first reaction was complete and total calm. My second and third reaction was something of glee and delight. I was as suprised as you might be.

They have been in this cycle of pain and destruction. They haven't been able to resolve so many issues about their stupid relationship, yet they haven't been able to let go of it either. So although I still believe their relationship is stupid and costly, in my mind they have taken a step out of their cyclical destruction. The Russian bride has made several steps that don't allow her to use drugs (her job since she confessed to them almost suffocates her with surprise drug testing- all different kinds, in such a manner that she can't cheat.) She has also committed to sobriety by going to meetings. Sometimes she and Sal are stupid enough to believe that they can still drink, but the drama of last Friday was proof to both of them that imbibing in any fashion is pretty destructive for them both. So there's that. Also she works nearly full time, and since she is moving in with the Daddyman into his care taking apartment that only costs him $125/month, their overhead is quite low. And even though together their cost of living is high high stupidly wasteful and ever so high, the cheap housing that Sal- her husband is providing for her is very supportive and beneficial.

Glee and delight. Which is not to be confused with me liking them now, trusting them now, or offering them any blessings. I still am disgusted with their relationship and its values. They could've supported myself and the girls on the money they've thrown away on their entertainment, (we will not choose to think about the money they've thrown away on drugs at this time. We will believe that this is in their past.)

Being forced to talk to the Russian bride since Salapparently felt a little surreal and faint once he told me (on the phone of course) that they were married, this is what I said to her-

"I don't trust either one of you. It has nothing to do with the kids, but I sure don't trust your behavior towards me, and furthermore I don't trust you with each other. I just don't trust you to love each other, but knowing your definition of marriage this potentially fixes some of that for you. This is kind of a step outside of your cycle that I hope can work for you. You both changed the ledge you've been standing on into a tightrope. You have to remember that IT HAS NO SAFETY NETS. You only have each other for balance now. Because listen- one of the things that concerns me is that you have said that you weren't interested in having a husband, that you were looking for a wife of sorts. That isn't Sal. You both have to learn how to nurture each other. Because I'm not going to nurture either one of you. Period."

As usual, she was startled by my insight. I "hit the nail right on the head." But she was completely overwhelmed by my lack of anger. (meanwhile I was elated by my lack of anger-and instead of feeling surreal about the situation, which would be understandable, with each passing thought I was feeling more and more like a sweepstakes winner.) My reaction gave them hope, since it was probably quite contrary to what they feared it would be. Clearly neither of them ever accepted how ready I had been for Salto close the door on our relationship. I was offering some pretty undisputable proof.

But I still hate their values in general and their excess. Their completely retarded self-indulgence that offers no satisfaction to them. But if I get the financial payback and support that I am owed, I can hold my tongue about that. Even though when they dropped off my children after their short, spur of the moment so I couldn't make any plans visit, they gave me a "peace offering" that offended me to the very core of my sensibilities. I bore a look of repulsion that could not be at all contained and that rained on their parade.

What was it? A French silk pie.

Not a lifelong fan of chocolate. And in particular- the French silk pie to me is pretty, fluffy, overly sweet, containing promises it does not keep (it's called chocolate and fails to be rich, dense, or sensual in any of the sense that real chocolate can be), and is unsatisfying in general. For me, a piece of French silk pie reminds me of unsuccessful masturbation. All of the build-up, none of the release. It's a lesson in futility. One piece is never enough because it's empty.

Give me pumpkin, give me apple, Oh Lord- this time of year, give me peach!. Full of contrast, texture, and heft- these are the pies I love. Versatile and filling. A slice of apple pie with cheese makes a suitable lunch. MMMMM. Good and good for you. (not really, but more-so in pie land)

One is her and one is me. Giving me a pie that represents everything I loathe about your wife and your relationship with her isn't a good start. Neither is saying "what pie do you like?" after being with me for 10 fucking years.

But if he knew me or saw me at all as I actually am, things would be different anyway. So that, and being subjected to any of their newlywed bliss was my one dismay.

Cause I basically feel like I just got a "get out of jail free" card. SHE'S his wife. I am NOT.

What a good thing.


Apparently I can't shut up...
hearts aflutter - 2011-04-12
blather over lunch - 2010-04-30
revival - 2010-04-18
foot dragger - 2009-08-21
The bangs of a Stooge - 2009-08-20

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