martyrs and masterminds
2003-12-12 @ 11:17 a.m.
The reason my ex the old punk never trusted me, is because I cheated on him. I was 21, and wasn't very good at letting opportunity pass me by. At 21, being a young, vivacious, zine-girl, let me tell you -there was opportunity aplenty.
I should have just broken up with him because although I had really liked the way he treated me up until this point, we had only been dating a little over a month. But he had used the "l" word, and I have always been one to tumble head over heels into everything, especially "love".
After I was given a second chance (I didn't ask for one, but I did want one and so I took it) I walked the line. Any line I was told to. I was still the editor of my fanzine, but I no longer did interviews.
Interviews were my best thing. I asked funny questions and got funny responses. My fan chemistry with bands was the best, and I wish I had any copies of those interviews at all.
Not that they are many bands you would know, it was strictly Mpls scenester stuff.. but it was all pretty funny.
I sqwelched that bigtime as a show of commitment. Good lord, what was wrong with me?
In retrospect I see opportunities I could have taken that might have changed my whole life. For instance, I met someone who at the time was ripe to be plucked by me had I chosen to do so. Someone who I might have married and still been married to today! But I didn't even see that until years later.
20/20 hindsight you know.
But after years of deprivation I couldn't help but walk right into an indulgent relationship with the Daddyman. This combination of indulgence and self-sacrifice has made me what I am today.
Which is okay, because dealing with boys who never really left their mothers, or were never loved by them is really not bad training. The martyr thing comes in handy too, not as a stance, but in experience.
In feeling so tired recently, I am also eerily aware that I am slowly growing stronger, smarter, and more witty (as all women do as they leave the ashes of something) to face my next challenge. I can't see it, and I can't even imagine it right now. But I tell you what- you can rely on the fact that I won't be just embarking on the next thing that comes along this time. The next thing on my horizon will be of my own making.
I will be the Mastermind.