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2003-12-26 @ 9:41 a.m.

So on Christmas Eve I'm speaking to the Daddyman about his plans for the next day with the girls. He says to "bring them over" for a few hours" he'll be at the Mpls apartment- cleaning and moving. He asks about the plans Saturday to go to April's parents house and I tell him 6 o'clock, and did KGB decide to come or not? (I only want her to come because I don't want to give the Daddyman a ride. There's a paranoid part of me thinks that neither the Daddyman nor KGB should ever know where April and her parents live)So he asks her "Are you coming Saturday?" and suddenly I am talking to KGB about it, AS IF I CARE.

"Laura, I just don't think I can, because you know I look at April and she looks- I just see the baby that I don't have. I hope you understand."

I think I blurted out that it was fine if she didn't want to come. My mind was completely reeling at her statement.

1) Is she referring to "the baby I don't have" because she got pregnant last January and had an abortion? Because that was too bad, certainly, but I personally don't think there's much of a choice when you conceive admidst a month-long binge of drinking and smoking crack. I mean, was there really another option? Plus- the woman has had repeated abortions because in Russia, there aren't any issues to consider (apparently). She already knows that at the troubled time I envied her solution. Whatever.

2.)Worse- she's PROBABLY referring to "the baby I don't have" as APRIL, because she & the Daddyman had some insanity-induced fantasy that I was going to let them have the baby, like that meant that I wouldn't be raising it myself. I was told at some point, that KGB had drunken tearful episodes after April was born, where she demanded "Go get me my baby". Granted she was drunk and high, but that's in there somewhere. That's just awful and scary. The Daddyman has made light of it since, but I haven't focused on it, but I sure haven't forgotten. I've considered the idea of restraining orders, although I don't believe there's real legal cause. Neither of them knew where April lived. Now April is legally adopted. Now KGB is sober and knows that she and her husband would make pathetic parents. There is no "might have been" except a tear or two apparently.

I am supposed to "understand" this?

Even if I could, why should I be asked to? I am pretty sure that the choices I made and the actions I took are more cause for this kind of pathetic selfish reaction. Yet, I don't feel anything but joy and gratitude.

The Daddyman'd wife looks at the act of me giving up a baby for adoption and somehow makes it be about her.

I don't even make it about ME!!!

Apparently I can't shut up...
hearts aflutter - 2011-04-12
blather over lunch - 2010-04-30
revival - 2010-04-18
foot dragger - 2009-08-21
The bangs of a Stooge - 2009-08-20

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