Wow. I�m depressed. I have been just trying to keep going (sorta) in my incredibly half-assed way and so I didn�t apparently notice. But I must be depressed, because I have been slowly but surely digging myself into a hole. I haven�t worked a 40 hour week since I started, thanks to Voluntary Time Off and holidays, and since January, having some absence room and personal holidays to take. I realized that I have been avoiding enrolling in medical coverage (because I can�t afford full family coverage, but the court order that states Sal is responsible for the girls� insurance is about as helpful as the court order for child support�) and my time is nearly up.. And I guessing I�m slowly but surely edging towards the big fuck up. Because this morning, due to PMS, I guess I was feeling pretty used- I mean, there I was driving the girls 15 miles out of my way to Sal �s so he could watch them for 9 hours while I worked. Everything costs me. I accept that without too much bitterness, but my other hand is digging this hole.

It�s a little scary to have this revelation at 7 am in the morning.

The revelation was a by-product of realizing that I am convinced that all the gigantic potholes in MN are trying to kill me.

I drive a little Dodge Neon. Hitting a big pothole going 55 can really bounce you around in a light car like that- and it seems, that there are potholes everywhere I go.

So anyway- the next step is what I�d better do. I�m not really sure. I guess talk to someone. I don�t want to be anesthetized again, which is what I felt happened with my last medication. Of course, my other meds were anxiety-based, (celexa) and anxiety wouldn�t be my current issue. I would write it all off as feeling blue the day after Valentines Day except that I am grateful that I received a terrifically thoughtful gift in the mail this week, and I have been very much alone for about the past 7 years on Valentines Day. At least this year I don't miss Sal and wish something of him for myself.

It�s the crevasse I am slightly more aware of that makes me know it�s not blues over the made up holiday.

The biggest issue is that in spite of the fact that I have to take care of every responsibility, I am completely helpless in being able to force anyone else to take the responsibility that they should be taking. All I can do is try harder to work everyday- and take care of things myself.

I don�t want to. The grown up mommylap costume is hanging in the closet, and it doesn�t fucking fit and I don�t want to put it on. After all it�s the �all by myself� issue that�s inching me over towards the pothole.

Recognizing there�s a problem is the first step, right?

Good thing everything else is left to me.