So here I am, not at work again. Because even though my voice is almost totally back, there's still a rasp that indicates to me there is every chance of it being gone again after talking on the phone all day. I was able to deduce this by noting that last Wednesday morning I had a voice, and by Wednesday evening I had a very hurt voice. By Thursday evening (after taking calls all day again) I had a very damaged voice.

So even though YESTERDAY I was all dead set on working today (because I need the money and I really am a grown up right?) I had an anxiety attack about my voice this morning and found I could not, would not, should not - be able to go into work today.

Which, of course, made me wonder what the hell is really wrong?

The loss of voice was no fakery folks-trust me, but why did I lose it and what about the idea of it getting bad again scares me so much?

So I dug into my psyche with a teaspoon I keep in my purse and this is what I found..

It's still about what I cannot control. I'm doing all right in a lot of ways, but the immense amount of stuff in life that I cannot control (getting sick, the girls getting sick, Sal ever giving me money or the girls any time) still gets daunting sometimes and so I still fear, I guess, that a monster will gobble up any of the things I can control and make away with my life again. Of course if I weren't so lazy about other things- a routine, housekeeping etc, maybe I wouldn't see the looming shadows suddenly. It's hard to say. I sure felt I had no control over losing my voice, and I suppose my anxiety is trying to show me I can control its return with more effectiveness.

Every conclusion I come to is rational, but the very nature of the anxiety attack is purely irrational. So even when I've explained it to myself sufficiently I am still left feeling like a freakish child who can't climb a ladder no matter how much she wants to go down the slide.

So maybe it's the going down the slide that's really scaring me.

What makes it worse is thisendup is going through something similar of sorts- at least I am sure that our inner voices are collaborating on a refrain we could sing together, but the last time there was opportunity for togetherness with us? Many moons.

If we could commiserate together would we find the answers that we seek?

Perhaps!

At least I know for certain that I can control the voice damage thing. Because if it recurrs it would be a Medical leave thing, and every absence from it couldn't "hurt" me. Maybe this whole thing has been creating a safety net.

But you have to fall before you're caught, and I am so not going to fall.

See how I am? All scared and silly one moment, and then impudent and silly the next.

AAUUUUGH!