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beat me with a hot wheel track
2004-07-19 @ 9:50 a.m.

My closest friend has been kind of awol lately. She was out of town for work, and now she is worked a completely opposite schedule from myself. Itís summer, her busy season, and I can totally deal.

But I miss her, and I send e-mails knowing we arenít really here at the same time, and I leave her voice mail asking her to call before the weekend because I want to touch base (or hang out) and she doesnít have a phone so I can conveniently poke at her whenever I might want. It doesnít really matter because unless her boyfriend has other plans she only wants to be around him anyway. I support that, but it bites.

I wanted to talk to her Friday, honestly because I felt needed some feedback, and I needed some resolve. I worry that I isolate myself even when that is not my intention- my family is really unavailable during the summer, and honestly they are a great resource for activities and stuff, but with everything in our past certainly the parent portion of my family is not who I turn to for advice or anything. I know they expect me to make the right decisions and actions all on my own. I expect that of myself too, frankly, and I certainly try.

So itís the weekends when I get isolated, because I have no computer at home and I feel sometimes that I get a little lost in mommyland those days. Mommyland lately, surprisingly has actually been linked to Daddyland.

I am only on the a-list of someone who really needs to be avoided. *

Even if Sal is changing, even if his intentions are not to fuck me up, I donít trust what fate might have in store whenever heís involved. I canít be fooled into thinking he somehow has discovered how to be a friend to me, just because his actions are friendly. I donít want to think about him, or help him because I will be punished. If not actually by Sal , by karma.

Life is a 5-year-old boy and I am the hot wheel car he likes to crash the most. He sets up the tracks in a way that inevitably leads to collision. It seems like the car that he most likes to send at me is Sal .

I know I set up an escape ramp already, before Sal even came out of the garage this time. I canít see my exit, but I know I wasnít dreaming- that I set up that ramp myself and it is there. I wonít let the fucking traction pull me in and make me miss it. I keep promising myself that I wonít.

* Listen I know that this is actually not the case- I feel that I am on the a-list of anyone thatís reading this, and you guys have to know how valuable that makes me feel every day.

Apparently I can't shut up...
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