Sunday the girls went to a birthday party for 2.5 hours that was across town. So I wasn�t going to waste gas going home and back so with time to kill I happened over to what used to be my local Wal-mart since that particular store has a great garden section. So I�m wondering if I really want to plant any more annuals (not really) and when I get to the houseplants find they have several sizes of potted mother in law�s tongue or snake plants, which are my favorites because they are indestructible houseplants, and also they look good with my mid-century furniture. They are also very good for detoxifying the air, but really my love for them is based on my inability to kill them more than anything else. So I am sort of boggling over my good fortune at finding my favorite plant for $3.50 and looking at them all to pick one out (the.best.one!) and this markedly dorky looking guy comes over and is looking at the plants too. He has a stoop, coke-bottle glasses- very Robert Crumb without me being able to tell about the halitosis. He starts to talk to me about the snake plant, saying did you know that if you plant those in a big pot, they will have babies sprout up? And I immediately say �no actually, these plants like to be root bound, and so that�s not right�� but he�s not really listening and blathering on and so I just say oh and they have bigger ones over there for only $10 and I sort of point and he blurts out-�You�re so fucking hot� at which point I see him staring at my breast (not both, just the right one) and I drop my arm and rapidly walk away from him. I don�t run, but I�m covering ground. Before he�s aware that I am exiting in such rapid fashion I hear him begin a sentence that sounds like �I never normally do this..� and all I can think of is �get away, get away, abort, abort, abort� not GROSS (which it sort of was) not HA(which it also was) but mostly just YIKES.

Mr. Tourettes? Allow me to offer some tips if you�re ever going to be successful in your pervy overtures toward strangers. You can�t explain you�re shy or never talk to women in stores afteryou crudely complement them using the f-word. Those are prefaces to your ridiculous advance, not follow up. Honestly, maybe you shouldn�t leave the house if you can�t control yourself verbally. Or maybe you should leave the house more often and turn off the porn because it�s really not teaching you social skills.

Later, when I processed the social molestation of the interaction I was mostly just flummoxed. I don�t think of myself as a sexual creature these days, and certainly not when I�m in mommy-chauffeur mode in the midst of humidity. I am the invisible woman for the most part, unless I turn it on. When I turn it on, it works quite nicely I would like to hope, (after all, if you don�t use it, you lose it) but still, I control the switch and it was not flipped. It was like some crazy malfunction on the disappearing woman control board. I should not even be attracting dorky pervs that I mistakenly engage with.

I didn�t even buy a stinking plant