at the mercy of wind and waves.
2003-10-03 @ 10:14 a.m.
I find myself in the happy position of being employed, starting Monday in an atmosphere that I feel extremely secure in. I already know the essence of the dance so well, that learning the actual steps will be fun. I actually am feeling very confident and happy about receiving and accepting this job offer. So thereís that putting a terrific grin on my mug.
Of course, I am behind financially. This could be worse, because Iím handling it by keeping my debt-keepers ďin the loopĒ, and they are being understanding and supportive, but they still want and need something soon. Probably before I will get any paycheck. This worries me since I feel no sense of urgency from the Daddyman in the realm of paying the debt he owes me. I am getting assurances etc., but not really anything I have any amount of faith in. I told him the other day that he needs to get me $1000 before the end of the month and I wasnít kidding. Iím not talking about the candy bar. I have 2 months of daycare co-pay, and rent for the month too. Not to mention food, gas, a birthday party for a 5 year old. But much in the manner of the way he nickel and dimed me into destitution. (Which I only hold myself responsible) he will pay me back in increments that only save me from starvation. I donít need a little nosh here, I need a big freakiní buffet, and pronto.
But I am trying- I got the unfortunate news that I donít qualify for any cash assistance until November, so there is that to look forward to, once I am getting $$ to keep me from getting flattened by the large boulder of finance as I start maze back to responsibility and stability. But I was talking to my mother, conversationally- because we were talking about work etc., and I want her to know that I am thinking responsibly and acting responsibly and maybe, just maybe I was fishing for an offer of help from my parents, but she shut down my self-confidence by saying ďDidnít you save anything from when you were earning?Ē As if I wasnít a rat trapped in a financial maze, as if I was lounging in a bikini and a mink with 50 cent for the 3 months I was working. Did I indulge myself? Why yes, I bought myself a pair of jeans. They were on sale, but not on clearance.
Listen I understand my motherís viewpoint. Itís not my parentsí responsibility to cover my ass because I was stupid enough to lend Sal money. Itís SALíS responsibility to do that. But Mother, if you really want a clean separation of things, then maybe you shouldnít be pushing my makeshift raft back out into the open water every time I successfully paddle away from him longing for a dry dock. I am just floating out here and Iím running out of fresh water. I just donít see how being evicted is going to help me as I start this new venture in my life. So far my friends are a lot more support than my family. I donít even want Sal to be my fucking ďfamilyĒ I just want him to pay me back and pay child support. I just want to be free and clear from everyone. I can see that day as being not far off, actually. But it might just be Iíve gotten too much sun out here in the open water.