We met about the contact agreement on Friday. April�s parents and I and the wacky social worker that is advising us. She refers to herself as strange, odd, etc. She�s just funny. I think she really likes me.

We just went over the details of the contact agreement. That was good because April�s mom and I are both �Whatever�s good for you.� But the details are important because people pleasers that we both are, we want to make sure that April is taken care of by this agreement. In case anything changes ever. That includes, moving out of state by either parties, and the death of either parties. That�s the whole reason for making the cooperative agreement be legal, because Life keeps chugging on, and the thing that gets overlooked first is usually contact with the important people you don�t see every day.

I am sad to say that I need to be reminded, and that I need to be locked in to a commitment. That�s the way I am.

Someday April might have to ask me stuff. Hopefully it will be something easy and funny like �oh you are called my birthmother because I came out of YOUR tummy, not Mommy�s�� but even if the questions she wants to ask are hard, I don�t want it to be a situation where first she asks �Who am I supposed to talk to about this? You say I�ve met her before?�� Like some shelved family friend that your mother refers to as your �Aunt�.

I have to make sure that life doesn�t overwhelm me so much that I forget to let this little child get to know me in a friendly way, so if she ever does have issues that she�s comfortable presenting them. Hopefully she won�t have issues because nothing is hidden from her. But the idea of eventual bitterness is set on a shelf in the back of my closet of shame, where I hope it will mercifully remained unopened for as long as possible.

But the making of the agreement was easy and felt good to take care of. There are 5 more days before my consent becomes �irrevocable�. Luckily the only feeling I have regarding that is one of wonder. It�s all �irrevocable� to me already. I never once thought of her as mine. Thank goodness.

I was asked to be on the birth mother panel for an open adoption seminar this Thursday. I�d be good at that. I�d like to be available to mentor someone trying to make her decision. Give them the benefit of all my miserable experience and all.

If I can get a babysitter.