the prayer of the (unwilling) hypocrite
2004-02-22 @ 2:02 p.m.
Last week I was very vigilant about going to and staying at work. I did the full 40. And as a bonus, Thursday I screwed around most of the day with next to no calls.
I don’t know what starting the week out like this will mean. The freaking cafeteria is undergoing construction and will be “very limited” until May. This requires responsibility from me that I am just incapable of. I have to remember my lunch? That would mean I can’t doze off to sleep on the couch helplessly to wake and jump up to put everyone to bed. Of course, this happening (the exhaustion) is due to monthly timing. But I really know that I need to summon some kind of energy to help my life take a turn. I’ve decided that because I will never have any control over Sal , that I need to just take control of the things I can.
Of course that means I have to get my house really really clean. Clean in a way that might stay clean.
I should just welcome this process. Because the fact of the matter is, the girls are old enough to start with the responsibilities and chores process. Then they can earn themselves some allowance or something. I know I am capable of the generosity but I don’t know if I can be the hard ass I will need to be.
“Dear Lord- please give me the strength to be a hardass about picking up after themselves. Please know that I will feel like a hypocrite every single time I have to deny them anything for being messy. I know messy Lord. Messy is my home. Give me the strength to be a big hypocrital hardass.”