Happy Father's Day
2004-06-20 @ 9:10 a.m.
I saw an ad that featured Patti Hansen and her two daughters recently. I don’t remember what the ad was for- I only saw them seated formally in front of a fireplace, and the heading ROCK AND ROLL ROYALTY.
The first thing I thought was “Keef’s kids are just lovely.” Then I started wondering if Keith and Patti ever actually got hitched. I thought so, but I wasn’t positive. To be Rock and Roll royalty it shouldn’t matter anyway…and since this was when I was watching “Showbiz Moms & Dads” on Bravo, a 21st Century idea was born.
BASTARDS OF ROCK. A pageant where the winner is the illegimate child with the coolest bloodline. Clearly, the face of the pageant would be Liv Tyler one of the most celebrated beauties recognized. “Liv not only is the child of Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler, ladies and gentlemen, she grew up for years thinking her father was actually rocker Todd Rundgren…”
The part of the competition with the most potential, is without a doubt the talent portion where so many of the contestants would try to capitalize on their bloodlines by playing covers of the father’s hits (at the urging of their mothers) Hopefully there would be abrupt interruptions of contestants wailing “But I want to make MY OWN music!” and hysterical outbursts of “Mom- David Bowie isn’t really my dad- everybody knows you’re just CRAZY!”
There would also be honor bestowed on the rockers who were the supposed parent of the greatest number of contestants. Commentary would include statements like “well of course, Dakota Townsend has a leg up on the competition, because although her parents never married, her bloodline has not only been acknowledged, she’s actually been groomed for the business by her rocker dad. Guitar lessons started at age 2. But one cannot overlook the sympathy factor that goes out to young Charles Hardin who never had a chance to know his grandfather so tragically taken from us all in 1959…”
“Much has been said, of course of the Sons of Elvis, this year, but of course they cannot win as a group, although they can perform as a group- the bulk of the competition is based on the individual.”
Note to Christopher Guest: Yes, baby, this is the project you’ve just been dying for me to come up with. Don’t worry, we’ll give Jamie a really primo role so she won’t catch on to our backstage antics…